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Dating is complicated at the best of times. Add in a social-class based power imbalance, and romance can become extra challenging. Dating across the class divide is hard in a way that’s difficult to pin down. Lots of television shows and films have given it a go with varying degrees of success — from Saltburn to Bridgerton and You — but Netflix’s new miniseries One Day, really nails it.
For those who haven’t hit play on this one yet, One Day follows Dexter Mayhew and Emma Morley for 20 years, checking in on them the same day every year, after a one night stand that doesn’t quite go to plan. Of course, romance ensues, but with Emma (played by Ambika Mod) being from a working-class background and Dexter (Leo Woodall) being upper middle class, so do some interesting class dynamics.
From the very first moment they connect, their conflicting social class backgrounds and the impact those differences will have on their futures are already clear. Dexter mocks Emma for studying so hard she got a first in her degree (equivalent to 4.0 GPA) while he gets a 2:2 (equivalent to 3.0 GPA). Emma says she wants to change her “own tiny corner of the world”, he clumsily tells her he has no specific future plans after graduation and will just see how it goes, while being supported by his parents and aimlessly travelling in far-flung places. He’s painfully unaware of what a privilege it is to go out into the world without a plan, and how that isn’t an option for Emma.
This is something 22-year-old Sarah* went through last year with her middle-class boyfriend. She tells Mashable, “I’m working class and when we were graduating he couldn’t understand that moving back in with my parents and living off of their means wasn’t an option for me, since that’s what he was doing.”
“It put a bit of a strain on our relationship sometimes, the way he never worried about money and I literally always did,” she adds. “It’s hard to develop a connection when you have such different worlds, but we do love each other.”
Sophie Cress, a marriage and family therapist, explains that when two people from separate social class backgrounds enter a romantic relationship because they each have a different perspective, values, and experiences that they have developed from their upbringing and socio-economic status and this impacts their worldview, including how they see relationships.
“At times, these differences can result in problems that can hamper the relationship,” Cress explains. “One of the common problems that arise is the difference in living patterns and expectations. Such as a person coming from a privileged background may be used to having some luxuries or opportunities which a person coming from a less affluent background might not have known.” This imbalance can result in misunderstandings about spending habits, free-time activities, or even long-term goals.
32-year-old Anna* has experienced this first-hand. Anna is from a middle-class background while her partner is working-class, and they’ve found that they don’t always agree on what’s important in life, and have had very different experiences from one another.
She tells Mashable this impacts the way they look at money together, as they’re now cohabiting. “He will save and think about every way he can squeeze as much out of a pound where as I very much have the attitude of living life, you can always make more money.”Anna adds that she’s always found their conflicting social class backgrounds to be strange because her partner and his family think of her as “posh”.
“They think I’m stuck up and that they have to roll out the red carpet for me. I’ve never really felt like that and just think it is weird. I am referred to as Her Royal Highness when they talk about me behind my back,” she explains.
Cress explains that societal views and stereotypes related to social class can also make these relationships even more difficult. “A couple may be confronted with external judgement or criticisms from family members, close friends, or even strangers whose perception of the relationship may be that it is not compatible or genuine due to class differences,” she explains.
Mashable After Dark
These stereotypes sometimes stop people from dating outside of their class background altogether. In The New Laws of Love, sociologist and researcher at the French Institute for Demographic Studies Marie Bergström found that dating app users often unconsciously filter out users from different social classes to their own. Another survey showed that 45 percent of upper class participants said they would never have a long-term relationship with someone from a different social class.
“It would be fine if they just owned it but rich people always seem to be furious when you suggest they are privileged, insisting they’re not.”
27-year-old Rachel*, who is working class, tells Mashable she prefers to date within her own social class after some bad experiences dating “posh guys” at university. “I’ve dated too many poshos cosplaying working class and grasping at the tiniest straws to appear less privileged instead of just owning it,” she says. “It would be fine if they just owned it but rich people always seem to be furious when you suggest they are privileged, insisting they’re not.”
When Rachel and her boyfriend graduated and he “slotted straight into the lucrative family business,” they couldn’t make their class differences work anymore. “I was waitressing and not getting any job offers and he kept dismissing the hand-out he’d got. He wanted to pretend we were working equally hard.”
Cress explains that Issues related to power dynamics and privilege may often rise in interclass relationships, particularly if one partner has more financial resources or societal power than the other.
The mistakes a lot of couples make in this situation, according to Cress, is avoiding talking about it. Though discussing the class gap between you and a person you’re romantically involved with can be uncomfortable, ignoring it can lead to resentments and misunderstandings.
This is proven in One Day, when Dexter unintentionally belittles Emma’s career, and can’t understand why she’s offended when he gives her a tip while she serves him and his new girlfriend in the Mexican restaurant she’s working in.
But, as Dexter and Emma themselves prove, it’s not all about the challenges with interclass dating. Two people from different social class backgrounds can, of course, have brilliant relationships.
To ensure success, Cress says to establish a commitment to “transparent and honest communication”.
“Couples should create a safe space where they can openly talk about their backgrounds, values, and any concerns or insecurities they may have. It’s essential to foster empathy and open communication,” she explains.
Cress encourages couples in similar situations to Emma and Dexter to practise active listening and validation of each other’s experiences, especially when it comes to class. If, like Emma and Dexter, someone makes a wrong move that ends up feeling like an attack on your partner’s class, it’s important to talk about the reasons behind your actions and clear up any confusion. Then, you’ve created an environment for communication.
She also notes that it’s important for the person from the more privileged social class background to acknowledge that privilege and power dynamic, and to listen to the less privileged partner about the impact this has on them.
Social class is complicated so interclass dating might seem overwhelming and even impossible at times. But it’s not about tackling the entire class system (that would be a mighty feat for one couple). You just have to bridge the class gap inside your own relationship. And, as Cress says, that can be done through mutual understanding, validation, and a willingness to learn from each other.
*Contributors are using pseudonyms to protect their privacy.
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